The Light in the Darkness
by vonnie836
Summary: It's Christmas once again and Dean is still in hell. Sam's POV, one shot, total AU. Please review!


**The Light in the Darkness**

Disclaimer: Supernatural doesn't belong to me and I just borrow the boys to have some fun!

Christmas had come around this year without Sam Winchester even noticing. Not that this was really unusual, after all, Sam didn't like Christmas, hadn't for a long time. Last year he had given in to his brother's request to celebrate the holiday, after all, it had been Dean's last one on earth. Now that the elder Winchester brother was gone, there was really nothing left to be cheerful about. His life meant nothing anymore; he only existed, living day to day without any purpose.

When Dean's deal came through, courtesy of his kid brother, because without Sam, there wouldn't have been the need for a deal, the younger brother's world came crashing down. His despair was beyond words and cut through him like a two edged sword that hadn't been sharpened in too long. Sure, he had Bobby by his side, yet in all his attempts to support him, Sam had been able to tell, the older man was way too grief stricken himself to be able to deal with his. So in the end Sam had left, purposefully erasing his tracks, so the man, who had become a second father to them, wouldn't be able to follow.

For the first month he had spent all his time trying to get Dean out of hell, driving across the country in an attempt to find a solution. He tried everything, voodoo, hoodoo, ancient spells and even black magic. In the end, he summoned the crossroads demon as a last resort, just to be told, that hell wasn't interested in him and that they had Dean Winchester just where they wanted him.

During that time, he had hardly eaten, rarely showered and never slept. Jim, Jack and Johnny had been his constant companions and the only time he rested had been when he passed out. It had disgusted him, made him feel week and inadequate, yet it also had been the only way for him to keep going without being consumed by his anguish.

At the end of the month, when the crossroads demon told him there was absolutely nothing he could do, he had holed himself up in the condemned building he had chosen as his base. It was several miles away from any other house and fit his need for isolation to the tee. So there he sat, drowning a whole quart of whisky, knowing he would never see his brother again, well that was unless he went to hell himself. And right now, that was exactly what he was planning, just needed to drink enough to have the courage to do it. It made him laugh, he was such a coward. Everyone died, because he didn't have the guts to end it. Should have done this as soon as he was old enough to understand his mother died because of him. He was worthless, without doubt worse than even a demon.

Just as he picked up the gun, by now his hands were so unsteady; he had to use both of them to hold it, Ruby showed up. She came without warning, no smoke, no noise, just suddenly there she was, right beside him, ripping the gun out of his shaking hands. As he starred at her and realized he wasn't even capable of killing himself, he broke. Not that he wasn't broken before, but at that moment it was like something just went 'ping' inside him, leaving him in a million little pieces.

He didn't remember anything after that, but Ruby told him later, he just fell forward and would have face planted, if she wouldn't have caught him. The alcohol, lack of food and sleep finally caught up with him and if it wouldn't have been for the female demon working almost a miracle, he would have gotten his wish and joint his brother in hell.

It took four days before he finally woke up. When he did, Ruby didn't give him any time to recover and run off. Instead, she told him whatever he was doing; it was sure not what Dean went to hell for. His brother made the deal, so Sam would live, not so he would blow himself away. And although it didn't make things any easier, it still made him realize, that he needed to go on, not for himself, but for Dean.

So after that he allowed Ruby to train him in using his dormant powers. In the beginning he used them only on minor demons, yet as time passed and he became more powerful, he was able to exorcise some of the higher ups also.

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One month ago, to the day, he finally had his showdown with Lilith. It turned into an hour long fight for control. In the end Sam succeeded, killing the head demon and with it preventing Lucifer from rising.

The cost had been high though and although Ruby was able to once again save his life, she was unable to prevent him from becoming desperately ill. For a week the only surviving Winchester was torn up by fevered dreams, reliving all the tragedies of his still young life over and over again. When he finally awoke, he found himself in a hospital bed, unable to move any of his limbs, too weak to even talk.

Ruby was gone and it took Sam several days to remember, that in saving his life, she sacrificed her own. She died for him, yet instead of feeling desperate, he felt nothing. The emptiness in him left no room for emotions. However there was one thing left to resolve, something that he never allowed himself to think about until now, after Lilith was dead, his powers and the way Dean felt about him using them. He never wanted him to, because he felt they were a way onto the dark side. And now, that everything was over, he felt he could finally honor his brother's wish and let go of them. From now on he would only use conventional methods to exorcise and kill demons, if he ever would be able to move again that was. Silently praying, he made a promise, to God, to Dean and to himself.

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It took two more weeks for Sam to recover the full use of his body. When he finally left the hospital, he was still weak and tired but no longer dependent on the help of others. Moving into a cheap motel room, he lived from one day to the next. In reality it was more existing then living. Not up to going back to hunting, his days were filled with research for possible hunts, eating, showering and sleeping. Yes sleeping, because finally he found a way to do so without the constant nightmares. It seemed that leaving the TV running on full volume invaded his sleep enough to prevent the dreams from coming. Maybe it wasn't the best sleep, but it was better than none at all.

Two days before Christmas he even called Bobby, letting him know Lilith was dead and he was still alive. The older man tried to convince him to come back and spent the holidays with him, yet Sam told him he just couldn't do Christmas. Finally Bobby gave in, but only after he promised to call at least weekly.

So now it was Christmas Eve close to midnight and as Sam laid in his bed and remembered the celebration from the year before, he felt too drained to even shed tears. On top of everything the snowstorm raging outside had knocked out the electricity and so there would be no TV tonight. At least covered with the extra blanket the motel owner had given him, he felt relatively warm. He had been told, the power company was working on the lines and it was expected for the power to be restored in two hours. Fighting sleep for the longest time, he finally lost against the needs of his still not all recovered body

SN SN SN SN SN

For several hours Sam's sleep was restless but without any specific dreams or nightmares. It was close to five in the morning, when his slumber was finally invaded by images.

He found himself standing in total darkness. It was the kind, in which you can't see your hand when it touches your face. After a moment there was a dot of white dancing in the distance. At first it seemed like his eyes were playing with him, but then it started to come a little closer and as it did, it became bigger and brighter. In the end it was so bright that even after closing his eyes, he still had to shield them by putting his arm in front of them..

Trying to turn away from the brightness, he found himself unable to move. Fear shot through him as he desperately fought against the power, which seemed to paralyze his body, but no matter how hard he tried, he was unable to stir even an inch. Feeling his heart rate increase, his breathing also started to become more rapid, until the stillness was suddenly interrupted by a thundering voice.

"Open your eyes Sam Winchester!"

It was a powerful and demanding voice and the young hunter found he was unable to resist its command. Opening his eyes, his arm still in front of his face, he found the brightness shadowed. At the same time he was able to let his limb fall to his side and now having clear view, he saw a large figure standing in front of the light. However, it was not really standing in front of it, it was more like the light was surrounding it and even coming out of it.

After focusing more clearly, Sam could distinguish the figure was male. Handsome, sharp cut facial features, slightly softened by short curls. He was tall, yet not as tall as the youngest Winchester, broad shouldered and dressed in a kaki trench coat.

"Who are you?" he asked, finally finding his voice.

"My name is Castiel; I am an angel of the Lord!"

For a moment Sam was taken aback, almost unable to belief his ears.

The angel must have read his expression, because now he continued, "I know this is difficult to belief, but it is the truth."

"What do you want from me?"

"First of all, if you promise not to run away, I let you move again." There was something like a smile on Castiel's face, but it was gone so fast that the hunter wasn't sure, if he only imagined it.

"I promise." He said, getting very uncomfortable with the position he was standing in and feeling anything was better than this. Instantly he felt his body relax and able to move. Stretching his stiff back, he looked at the heavenly being expectantly.

"I have a message for you, from your brother."

"From Dean? But that….!"

The angel interrupted him before he could finish the sentence, "Impossible? Sam Winchester, nothing is impossible for God. You should know that!"

"But how?" Sam found himself still in disbelief.

"How is not important. Let's just say, the Lord had mercy on your brother. Dean hasn't been in hell since the day after he was taken there."

"He is not in hell?" He suddenly found his heart racing, only this time it was with excitement. He wanted to belief so bad.

"No, we pulled Dean out and he is with us now." Castiel announced with much confidence, then he continued, "We also watched you, Sam Winchester. And I must say in the beginning, I almost felt sorry for you. That was until you hooked up with that demon and started to use your demonic powers."

The young human let his head hang, suddenly overwhelmed with guilt, "I know I blew it and don't deserve to be saved, but I can't regret what I did. As for Ruby, I don't think she was that bad. I really think her motives were honest and even good." He stopped for a moment, biting his lip like in deep thought, then said, "I will take any punishment you have for me, I won't even complain, but could I just ask for one little favor?"

"Ask!"

"Could I just see Dean one more time, even if it is just from a distance? I only would like to see for myself that he is okay." He pleaded.

Castiel straightened up and his face suddenly became expressionless.

"No! It's not possible."

Without another word, he turned and walked away, taking the light with him and leaving the young Winchester behind.

Overwhelmed by the darkness, which now was once again in him, rather than just around him, Sam dropped to the ground, sobs of desperation tore out of his throat, as rivers of tears streamed down his face.

Without warning he found himself back in his bed, yet it was only because of the pillow soaking up his tears he even realized the change. Did he really ask for too much? All he wanted was a last glance of his brother. Not even a word or a touch. He messed up, he let his demonic inheritance take over and it didn't matter he used it only to kill demons. He would go to hell and until then, he would do his best to let his brother know he intended to never use his powers again. Dean was in heaven and that would have to be enough for him. Oh how he wished he could just die, end it right now but in his business, there was always a change for this to happen, and maybe it would be soon. The dark emptiness inside him was more than he could stand at times.

He buried his face in the pillow, continuing to let his tears free run, until a hand on his shoulder tore him out of his anguish.

"Sammy!"

The voice was only a whisper, yet it was enough to make the young man jump off the bed. Loosing his balance, he suddenly was grabbed by strong hands, preventing him from falling. Hands, which had fulfilled this task for almost twenty five years, hands, which he never thought, would hold him ever again. At the same time he looked into the one face he knew almost better than his own.

"Dean…!" he stammered, amazement coloring his voice, "He changed his mind!"

And suddenly he became conscious of the fact things just got a whole lot worse for him. How could he bear to see his brother leave again? Unable to deal with his emotions any longer, he started to shake as his knees buckled under him. Once again it was Dean who caught him and held him up, this time gently setting him back onto the bed.

"Easy kiddo can't have you face plant here."

The gently cheerfulness, which was so typical for Dean, made him loose the last of his restraint and once again tears started to stream and sobs shook him.

Settling his baby brother trembling body against his chest, Dean wrapped his arms around him and for a moment let his own emotions get the better of him. Finally able to get control again, he stroked the thick dark hair, before moving down and making circles on Sam's back, something that had always worked to calm the kid down when he was younger.

"I've got you Sammy, I've got you!" He assured him, his heart breaking at the same time as it was overjoyed by the reunion. Although the time he spent in heaven had been glorious and seemed to be more like a few days then almost seven months, he had missed his baby brother desperately. Today, when he found out what Sam went through during his time alone, it increased his need to be his sibling to an unbearable level.

It took the youngest Winchester a long time to settle, as every time he felt himself regain his composure, the mere thought of letting Dean go again, shook him up all new again. Knowing that this couldn't last forever, he finally straightened and let go of the only family he had left.

"Better make it fast and leave. I don't know how long I can keep this up!"

Dean looked at him with complete confusion written all over his face, "Leave? Why would I leave?"

"Go back to heaven, where you belong!"

The older Winchester shook his head. This wasn't what he expected to come from his brother.

"I'm right where I belong, here with you."

"But…?" Sam was interrupted by the sudden appearance Castiel behind Dean.

The elder Winchester stood up and turned to face the angel, a smile appearing on his face. Sam also gazed at the heavenly being, before his eyes fell on Dean. Seeing the joy in the other's eyes his heart filled with sadness and resignation but also with a sense of gratefulness. Getting up, his knees buckled, dizziness overwhelming him as the emotional exertion started to catch up with him.

Dean followed his brother's moves closely and was ready to catch him, when his body started to give out. Unwilling to give in to the exhaustion, Sam straightened his weary body and shook his sibling off. Looking at the angel, he swallowed.

"Thanks, for…you know, for letting me spent some time with Dean."

Once again his legs gave out on him and he felt himself held up by strong arms. Only this time they weren't his brother's, instead they belonged to Castiel.

Lifting the younger hunter against his chest, he looked into the hazel eyes and said, "Sam Winchester, you were tested and passed. You didn't withstand the temptation to use your powers, yet you used them only to destroy evil. You swore to never again use them and even when I told you would never again see Dean again and you had nothing to loose, you still held to this promise." He stopped for a moment to look at the older Winchester, then continued, "You knew you would go to hell, while your brother would spend eternity in heaven, yet instead of being jealous, you felt only joy for him. For this you will get your brother back. Just remember, God's power is above Lucifer's."

Sam was listlessly hanging in the angel's arms, his limbs dangling uselessly, his vision blurred, the only exception Castiel's face, which he could see with amazing clarity. The words coming from the supernatural being like a sword that cut through the thick wall, separating him from the light. Even after there were no more words, he found himself unable to move or even take his eyes off the angel.

There was a smile on Castiel's face, when he lifted the tall man up without any effort and carried him back to the bed, where he gently laid him down. Watching as Dean covered his brother and pulled the blanket up to his neck, he bent down and put his hand on the younger man's forehead.

"Sleep Sam Winchester, you've been redeemed."

Immediately Sam's eyes fluttered and finally closed. Standing up, the angel gave Dean a nod, before he disappeared without saying another word.

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Awareness returned to the youngest Winchester with an unusual gentleness. There was quiet music playing in the background and it took him a moment to identify it as Christmas Carols. Opening his eyes, he found the curtains still drawn and the only light in the room coming from the small tree sitting on the table. The incredible scent of turkey, sweet potatoes, stuffing and pumpkin pie was hanging in the air, making his mouth water before he even sat up and saw the feast sitting on the table.

Dean was sitting on a chair by the table, giving him one of his patented smirks, "About time you woke up, little bro. Dinner's served."

Standing up, Sam found his dizziness gone and to his amazement he felt more refreshed than he had in a long time. Still in slight disbelief of what happened this last morning, he couldn't keep his eyes of Dean, who now pushed a filled plate his way. When he found his younger brother wasn't taking it, he smiled even more.

"It's okay Sammy, you can belief it. I'm real and I'm back to stay."

Finally Sam snapped out of his trance like state and stood up again. Walking over to his coat still lying on the other bed, he reached into the pocket, then took the few steps back over to his brother again. Suddenly Dean found the keys for the Impala being dangled in front of his eyes.

"She is all yours again. I promise I took good care of her."

"That could have waited until after dinner." Dean protested, clearly moved by the thought of having his baby back.

"Nah, it couldn't", Sam assured him, "She just wasn't the same without you. She knows who she belongs to!"

The older hunter almost laughed, hearing the words coming from Sam, who always had teased him about calling the classic car his baby and talking about 'her' like she was a person. The kid slightly blushed, then continued, "Well, it's true. So merry Christmas, she is all yours again."

Dean pulled his brother into a tight embrace, suddenly not ashamed of the tears running down his cheeks. After holding on to Sam for the longest time and feeling the hug returned with the same enthusiasm, he finally let go and looked at his sibling's tear stained face.

"Sorry, but I have no present for you. There aren't exactly any stores in heaven." He said, trying to break the tender mood. Yet one look at the light in Sam's eyes told him, he wasn't succeeding with it.

"I just got the only thing I ever wanted – you. There was total darkness in me but now the light is back. This is the greatest gift I've ever got for Christmas and nothing ever can top this."

Sitting back down, both of the brothers started to eat, finding it was the best meal they've had in their whole lives. Afterward they sat and talked and then they took the Impala for a spin. And as Dean drove, being back where he belonged, looking like he was never gone, his younger brother took in the full miracle of what had happened and send a prayer of thanks to heaven.

For the very first time in his life Christmas had a real meaning. Christmas, the time, when a dark world celebrated the light coming into it, it was now also the time when the light returned into his darkness.

FIN


End file.
